Will actually kill you, but I do have a general idea of how many will get you a charcoal slushee and and a 48 hour involuntary admit to a hospital, compliments of your oldest child. In reality, I don't really know the actual number because I wasn't counting as I threw them in my mouth and chased them down the Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey whiskey.
How all this came to be is a long, twisted tale of hope, love, anger, pain and a complete betrayal of two people that I loved and thought I could trust. Throw in a lot of alcohol and a dash of domestic violence and you've got your yourself a perfect recipe for self-destruction. Or at least it would appear that way.
I am better now. I wouldn't have done it had I not been so drunk and I don't have any plans to retry. Not too say that I don't have fleeting wishes that I hadn't made that call that I don't remember to my oldest child and I had been left alone to go to sleep forever, because I do. Whenever I recall the betrayal of the one, single person that I trusted most on this earth, and how it set this whole mess, which will reverberate throughout my world for the rest of my life, in motion, I do. When I am lonely and I recall the new but exciting friendships are lost to me forever due to circumstances that occurred because of this betrayal, I do.
None of it can be undone. Nothing can be changed. The damage to my heart is permanent, I think.