It's hereditary.

And I'm pretty sure my son has it.  One second, he is the sweetest, most loving kid, and the next he is a completely different person.  I swear even his appearance changes.  His normally lovely brown eyes seem to turn completely black.  Everything you say is answered, with "No."  Sometimes, I wonder if a priest may be needed more than a psychologist.  I'm not joking.  Sadly.

Fortunately, they have tried him on new medications, Strattera and Tenex, that is working wonders for him.  He is like a complexly different person.  He is growing more responsible and blossoming before our eyes.  It's a beautiful thing.

In other news, things with my on again off again husband are deteriorating rapidly.  He cannot talk to me even one without throwing out insults, barbs and criticism.  The stalking  I just cannot handle it too  much longer.  It is making the depression so much worse.  I hate it.  It is making me hate him.

The Plateau

Today, I am slightly down but definitely not in the abyss.  I am still lonely, but I am trying to combat that by getting out and doing things.  Having lost my confidante is still tearing me up inside, but the pain is subsiding to a constant, dull ache. I don't know how I will ever trust anybody with my whole self again.  That was a problem anyway.  I just don't share about myself much.

I have had some good news.  I story that I wrote for an anthology was accepted for publication and I signed my first contract as an author today.  I am no longer just a stay at home mom, but a writer as well.  However, now my writing isn't giving me with joy it used to and I think it is because the person that I used to write with, my mentor, my cheerleader has been excised from my life due to the aforementioned betrayal.  They had become a large part of my life and my world is slightly colorless and flat without them.

How do you overcome betrayal?

How do you overcome the betrayal of the one person that you trusted the most in the entire world?  The only person that you have really had for years.  Because I am at a loss as to where to start.  How do you learn to trust them again?  How do you learn to trust anyone again?

More importantly, how do you keep yourself out of the abyss while you attempt to figure this out?

Because when you feel like you have nobody in the world to talk to, to confide in, to vent with, the world feels cold and lonely.  And maybe like a place where there is no place for you.

Well, I still don't know how many...

Will actually kill you, but I do have a general idea of how many will get you a charcoal slushee and and a 48 hour involuntary admit to a hospital, compliments of your oldest child.  In reality, I don't really know the actual number because I wasn't counting as I threw them in my mouth and chased them down the Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey whiskey.

How all this came to be is a long, twisted tale of hope, love, anger, pain and a complete betrayal of two people that I loved and thought I could trust.  Throw in a lot of alcohol and a dash of domestic violence and you've got your yourself a perfect recipe for self-destruction.  Or at least it would appear that way.

I am better now.  I wouldn't have done it had I not been so drunk and I don't have any plans to retry.  Not too say that I don't have fleeting wishes that I hadn't made that call that I don't remember to my oldest child and I had been left alone to go to sleep forever, because I do.  Whenever I recall the betrayal of the one, single person that I trusted most on this earth, and how it set this whole mess, which will reverberate throughout my world for the rest of my life, in motion, I do.  When I am lonely and I recall the new but exciting friendships are lost to me forever due to circumstances that occurred because of this betrayal, I do.

None of it can be undone.  Nothing can be changed.  The damage to my heart is permanent, I think.