Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The "how many" game.

I didn't take the clonazapam, obviously.  Instead, I've been flirting with the idea of how many pills can I take and still wake up in the morning.  That way, if I don't wake up, it is an ACCIDENTAL overdose and not suicide.  At least, in my deluded mind, that makes since, and my children will not think that I abandoned them.  That is the most important thing.  Last night, it was two Ambien,  six clonazapam and two Lithium.  I ate half a bag of cookies and had a conversation that I don't really remember with my oldest daughter who is away at college, but I'm still here.

My husband no longer speaks to me.  He has stopped paying the household bills.  The water will be shut off on the 28th if I can't come up with $148.  It looks like it hasn't been paid in about three months.  I don't know who will take care of my children when I am gone.  Besides all his lip service about what a horrible mother I am, none of them like to be around him.  We are opposite side of the same coin with me being to lenient and coddling and him being to strict and with a complete and total ignorance of how to affectionate on any level.  One would think that  would even us out and make us the perfect couple, but it doesn't.  It puts us at constant odds with one another.

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow.  I'm debating printing out this blog and showing it to her, but I'm afraid she will put me away and I'm not sure that I want anybody this far into my head.  I'm pretty sure that nobody actually reads here, so it feels like a safe place.

Monday, October 22, 2012

How many words are there for down?

Because I am getting sick of writing about being down.  So sick of it that I have considered discontinuing my Lithium so that I can have an up cycle where I feel happy and hopeful.

The down cycle continues and is intensifying.  I am convinced that I am alone.  I know this emphatically.  And the loneliness and isolation that come with that knowledge are overwhelming.  I really have no family to speak of: my parents are long deceased, my siblings far away and being so much older than I, seemingly unconcerned with the little sister that they did not grow up with.  I, of course, have my children, whom I love dearly, but they are not peers in which I can confide and unburden myself from the dark thoughts in my head.  They remain prisoners there because I have nowhere to release them and they are making my head ache to the point of tears.

It is a horrible feeling to know that nobody in whole world really, really loves you.  I'm looking at approximately 100 clonazapam and I can't think of a good reason not to take them all.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Up and down, up and down

It is the cycling that will drive you mad.  The rapid change in mood and temperament and, well, everything.  Yesterday was a wonderful day; my oldest sons birthday.  We had a wonderful day together and he said it was the best birthday he had ever had.  Then we came home and had a cookie cake and the whole family watched a movie.  I fell asleep contented, if not a little crowded, with four kids and a dog in my bed.

Today, I overslept and missed Mass, so the guilt started in immediately.  Then, almost as if he could sense my weakness, my husband called.  Did I go to Mass, he wanted to know.  When I told him I missed it, he said that he could have told me I wasn't going to go when he talked to me last night.  Then  the verbal abuse started except this time, I told him I didn't have to listen to his bullshit and I hung up the phone.  He switched to texting me and it got really ugly on both our parts.  I literally turned off his personal cell phone and blocked his work cell number so that he couldn't reach me.

Every thing has gone wrong and sent me into a paroxysm of tears.  A package of tortillas went missing, leaving me 8 short for dinner.  Couldn't find the colander....just normal things, normally, but it feels like the end of the world when you are caught in the throes of depression.  There is no joy, no happiness, but worst of all, there is no hope.

I don't want to live like this.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Down the rabbit hole I go.....

My baby blue Quaker, the little boy that I've always wanted die today.  The autopsy was inconclusive.  I only got him on Friday, but he was sweet and loving, and he was my baby.  I can feel the depression sucking me down......I can't stop crying....

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Things I have learned...

1. You can't trust anybody. I don't care who they are.  They will throw you under the bus to save their own ass. Every. Single. Time.  And then they will pretend that they don't know what they did.

2.  You are alone.  Deal with it.

3.  There is no such think as unconditional love.  It is the stuff of myths and fairy tales.

4.  Most of us are born alone and we are going to die that way, too.

5.  Life is our trial.  We win when we die and our souls are set free from the cage of our bodies.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Turns out the damned light was a train after all.

You know, the one at the end of the tunnel.  The increase in lithium is working I think and except for a bad day with the husband, I was starting to feel better.  Therapy is finally going well.  I believe that we have finally worked through my history and have identified the issues that need to be resolved.  I have trust issues that do not allow me to be vulnerable and as a  result, I have no friends and no support system.  Makes for a lonely life.  I have twitter and Facebook, but I don't know why.  Nobody responds to me.  I tweet to celebrities because I have no real friends to talk to.  God, that sounds so pathetic.

Now, my husband has decided that he can't take it anymore.  The things that I did while I was rapidly cycling and out of control are just too much for him to take.  I never cheated or anything, I am more of a spending spree type manic.  He says he is leaving me.  He never believed I was clinically depressed (which turned out to be a misdiagnosis) or that I am suffering bipolar disorder now.  It is all some emotional crutch that will allow me to take medication for the rest of my life because that's something we all strive for, right.

So, I will be a single mother with six children, I guess.  I always felt like one anyway for the most part except for every once in a while a man would come home and make me feel like slitting my wrists and then leave.