Sunday, October 21, 2012

Up and down, up and down

It is the cycling that will drive you mad.  The rapid change in mood and temperament and, well, everything.  Yesterday was a wonderful day; my oldest sons birthday.  We had a wonderful day together and he said it was the best birthday he had ever had.  Then we came home and had a cookie cake and the whole family watched a movie.  I fell asleep contented, if not a little crowded, with four kids and a dog in my bed.

Today, I overslept and missed Mass, so the guilt started in immediately.  Then, almost as if he could sense my weakness, my husband called.  Did I go to Mass, he wanted to know.  When I told him I missed it, he said that he could have told me I wasn't going to go when he talked to me last night.  Then  the verbal abuse started except this time, I told him I didn't have to listen to his bullshit and I hung up the phone.  He switched to texting me and it got really ugly on both our parts.  I literally turned off his personal cell phone and blocked his work cell number so that he couldn't reach me.

Every thing has gone wrong and sent me into a paroxysm of tears.  A package of tortillas went missing, leaving me 8 short for dinner.  Couldn't find the colander....just normal things, normally, but it feels like the end of the world when you are caught in the throes of depression.  There is no joy, no happiness, but worst of all, there is no hope.

I don't want to live like this.

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