Because I am getting sick of writing about being down. So sick of it that I have considered discontinuing my Lithium so that I can have an up cycle where I feel happy and hopeful.
The down cycle continues and is intensifying. I am convinced that I am alone. I know this emphatically. And the loneliness and isolation that come with that knowledge are overwhelming. I really have no family to speak of: my parents are long deceased, my siblings far away and being so much older than I, seemingly unconcerned with the little sister that they did not grow up with. I, of course, have my children, whom I love dearly, but they are not peers in which I can confide and unburden myself from the dark thoughts in my head. They remain prisoners there because I have nowhere to release them and they are making my head ache to the point of tears.
It is a horrible feeling to know that nobody in whole world really, really loves you. I'm looking at approximately 100 clonazapam and I can't think of a good reason not to take them all.