Friday, September 28, 2012

I thought cycling meant ups and downs.

But I've went from up, down, normal to now again.  Of course, there is a major stressor involved in my current down cycle.  My husband (heretofore to be referred to as "The Ogre") has returned from his latest stint on the road. And with that return, the small modicum of self-respect and self-esteem that I have fostered in the last two days has dissipated.

An argument brought on about how maybe I should start doing yoga again because it stops my brain from racing with either manic or depressive thought, led to his informing me that I suffer from an imaginary disease that I take medication for and that he was suicidal once twenty years ago, but he just got over that shit.  Apparently, he thinks the thoughts that continually circle my mind are that I'm fat or not as pretty as the people in the movies or on "my bullshit tv shows".  What he doesn't know is the thoughts in my head are the things that he says to me over an over again about how I'm not good enough; a good enough mother; a good enough wife; a good enough lover, a good enough anything.  THAT is what I hear in my head when I'm trying to convince myself to live another day.

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